Understated by Ukranians

i wrote a short story that makes no sense and likely only amuses me, but oh well, what else is there

2005-11-07T22:44:42Z

Wilhelm the Mildly Successful walked onto the battlefield. It would be here he'd meet his foe, here he would truly earn his nickname. This was to be the site that caused dozens of citizens to mention his deeds thrown amongst their conversations. "My, my your wheat fields are coming in really well this year, mayhap my forged iron will decrease in value, good thing that General to the south, Wilhelm is it, never can quite defeat even the most overpowered foe," Geoffrey Danz would say as he put an axe through his close friend Sir Timothy Rhitt and started to pack wheat into his wheelbarrow.

The irony here, unbeknownst to everyone, was that Sir Rhitt nearly was Wilhelm's demise. No one has ever been knighted for the growing wheat fields, and Timothy Rhitt was no exception. He received the honorable distinction for the greatest sacrifice a man can give - staying out of the way. Upon his death, Timothy had reached the age of 27, exceeding the life expectancy for his countrymen by two years. But once upon a time, he was young and relevant and had something worthwhile to contribute to society. At the age of 17 he enrolled to study under Tyrell the Tall, whom contrary to Timothy's expectations actually was tall and his assistant Manny the Spanish Guy Who Will Never Reappear In This Story. Tyrell stood at 6'7" and was only concerned with teaching his fellow cursed heighted monsters. In the invisible hand's mind, the central object of the tall was to try to stand in the way of the opposing horses, hopefully stabbing them before getting run over. Unfortunately, it was the latter outcome most often discovered, and so quick that the midgets shooting arrows from the hills target was barely slowed. Tyrell had long argued for a more sensible formation, but could never convince his average statured compatriots that height was a quality to be treasured. He himself had only survived by constantly dodging the oncoming horse; a point constantly brought up as a testament to the courage of tall men.

Now Timothy was not short, despite his parents’ constant attempts, including the year they never fed him, and the month he spent literally living under a rock - placed an inch over his head - in hopes he would not grow. At 15, he was 4'9" and looking like he might qualify for the greatest institutions of the day. Over the next year he grew to 5'6" and therefore far exceeded the 5' minimum. Typically, men this height took a camel ride to Italy and trained as circus performers, or on occasion acquaintance to a city of lonely women. But Timothy was different, having come so close to greatness, so close to immortality, so close his dream, nay the dream of all men - to be a midget. He was not ready to give up, so he marched to Our Only Two Story Building, walked up the crooked stairs, applied for Tyrell's guidance, choosing him over his only other option Larry the Lethargic who promised to never move his squadrons into battle, and therefore was a very popular leader. It turned out however that battle often stumbled into his napping legions, causing Larry to frequently have to recruit more.

In the next episode: What will happen when Timothy and Tyrell meet? Will we return to Wilhelm’s battlefield? Will there even be a next episode? Stay tuned to Channel 14, up next, Micheal Bolton and Josh Groban face-off to see who can evacuate a crowded football stadium first!

i am updating again, crazy polar bear that i am!!!!

2005-10-29T20:06:23Z

So my play has finally opened, and I'm really stoked about that. Yes, stoked. My calendar says 2001, and I just completed a 360 double backflip tailspin no-hander. Toss me a Dew, dude. I'm really happy about everything so far, hearing large groups of people laugh when you talk is quite the experience. So yay.

satiablelemon @ 2005-10-27T12:37:00

2005-10-27T17:16:06Z

As Craig Ferguson, my personal hero, always says so wisely, "Today is a great day for America."

Firstly, because said sigl of sanity is going to host the People's Choice Awards! I can hardly wait til...uhhh, when exactly are the PCAs? I've never watched them before, seeing as I'm not big on people, the ability to choose (boo free will! what were you thinking yahweh!), or meaningless award shows. To be honest, I'm not even sure I knew they existed. But, oooh, I can't wait. After Ellen's Emmys, Ferguson can be average and be considered great, and everyone will watch his show, and Jay Leno will be fired, and forced to sit alone in a rocking chair, drinking bad coffee, and telling jokes about kitchen appliances to his niece's stuffed animal collection.

Second, Harriet Miers has withdrawn her nomination due to blah blah blah garbage that you can find elsewhere. Just google "I take myself too seriously" and "I paid for this blog so I might as well type something." The reason this is so great is because we have now have a permanent celebrity named Harriet. If she was confirmed, people would forgot about, in the same Stephen Breyer is known in the hearts and minds of the American people as "He's not with the ice cream people, is he?" Eventually, she'd resign or die, News Networks would care for a day or two, then she's be forgotten. Instead, whenever we have Supreme Court battles, her name will be brought up as a reminder that your own party can turn on you. It might even become a verb: Harriet'd.

I have heard the world litmus test said 16 times by commentators on CNN in the last hour. And why are all Republican guests women with silly hair? Doesn't the Republican Party have any hairdressers? Yeah, they are anti-gay and all, but, c'mon, straight hairdressers do exist...I think.

Oh, and also it's a great day for the country because I am updating again. Now if only I had any livejournal friends who actually are in America.

sigh

2005-10-26T19:19:02Z

God, I hope that's not really me.

yay i took the silly test too

2005-10-26T19:16:43Z

The Manchild
Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDm)

Hopeful. Awkward. Soft-headed. Fire intrigues you. You are The Manchild.

Okay, Manchildren have some good qualities. They can be unpredictable, brash, magnetic--and therefore highly charismatic. Particularly, you're passionate and are often a hell of a lot of fun.

Your exact opposite:
The Bachelor

Deliberate Gentle Sex Master

But we'd like you to consider not using OkCupid. You can be unthinking and hurtful, and we think you LIKE seeing bad things happen. You've had a moderate number of relationships, but broken a disproportionate number of hearts. In total, you mean well, but don't really have it together.

It's up to you, of course, whether to continue dating. There are plenty of women out there who do deserve you. But you've heard our advice.

If you stay...
ALWAYS AVOID: The Dirty Little Secret

CONSIDER: The Sudden Departure.

i haven't updated in a really long time

2005-10-25T21:10:05Z

Woohoo, its time for a new feature! I'm just going to type random words as I think of them and then add prepositions, conjuctions, and such so it'll make sense.

Broccoli-Man leaped across the table during Mel Gibson's dinnertime prayer. He discovered speedos and accused the Catholic of treachery and expected hedonistic practices. "What an inquiline, you are! I sense the aroma of wretched screenwriting and I believe a well defined overinflated sense of worth" our green hero shouted at the wrongdoer. Mr. Gibson took out his felt-tip pen, autographed a tangerine, and threw it at Geena Davis who ran to Broccoli-Man, distracting him. So he got trashed on brandy and eloped with her, thus allowing the White House to be decorated in green.

Original List: broccoli leaped Mel Gibson dinnertime speedos treachery hedonistic inquiline aroma felt-tip pen tangerine Geena Davis brandy eloped

Heh, that was harder than I thought.

PS: it occurs to me that inquiline isn't really a common word; so here's a def: An animal that characteristically lives commensally in the nest, burrow, or dwelling place of an animal of another species.

satiablelemon @ 2005-09-25T10:44:00

2005-09-25T14:55:50Z

Oh, yes, ha, that would be an important piece of information. Due to there being no white males anywhere in the city of Cleveland, the director of the Tri-C play needed to find one quick. Well, said director also happenes to be my acting i prof. And so now I play Thoby, the slacker, in The Lake Effect.

In other news, my regular classes are still the most immensely boring things one can conjure up. And in every class but one, I have a midterm Oct 17-20.

As for im-ing, I'm online at the most random times ever, but assuming the school library doesn't block AIM Express, Monday 3-7 (American time...which I think is 8-12 British time) is the best time. And as for right now, the account is still TheCalmness, but I do so mean to change it soon.

satiablelemon @ 2005-09-19T18:14:00

2005-09-19T22:17:35Z

Great, it seems like LJ doesn't have one either. Oh well. Guess I'll keep the account (esp. since I've already started adding people) I really do have to read now, I'll do more when I get back. (or, more likely, a week from now.)

satiablelemon @ 2005-09-19T18:01:00

2005-09-19T22:03:56Z

Since Xanga has no Tri-C group, I'm making an account that will actually be updated here too. Well, here's the first entry:

I suppose its finally time for me to return to the world of the living. I'm currently sitting in the computer lab at Tri-C Metro (mainly because it is the only place on the whole campus with no stark reminders that I'm in the city). And I'm falling asleep. I've run out of things to do on the internet. That's the real problem with dial-up, you accustom yourself to an amount of time something will take, and then you get on High-Speed and an hour of anguish turns into four minutes of occupied time and fifty-six of tedium. I still have an hour and a half before my rehearsal starts. Maybe I should read the script over again. Later. All I've eaten the whole day are three packages of pop tarts, on account of having to stay here all day. (My classes end at 3:15, rehearsal starts at seven, and it takes an hour and a half to get here, so no point in leaving)

So yay for complaining. And if you're curious, here's my class list:

Anthropology
Philosophy
Interpersonal Communication
Acting
Urban Studies
Women's Studies
Keyboarding